Unsuitable Beach Ideas

We're supposed to get to a point in our lives at which we becomecomfortable with our bodies, accept our physical imperfections andworry about something important for a change.

That's why I've been following strategic developments in thebathing suit industry as they relate to my thirty- andforty-something sisters.

We're holding up pretty well, considering most of us have kids.Privately, just between us, we admit that our best pictures weretaken five years ago. We laugh about it. We claim that after theindignities of pregnancy and childbirth, we're just happy to be aliveand alone under our skin.

We talk that way but when beach time comes, we still aim forperfection.

And the fashion industry has responded. In the last two years,it has given us swimsuit engineering on a par with the Stealthbomber. These new suits are scientifically designed. They haveslimming side panels, leg-lengthening cuts, bust-enhancing rufflesand strategic color schemes. They're reinforced with some sort ofmiracle fabric that simultaneously flattens tummies, sculptureswaistlines and firms rear ends. I'll bet you could heal a slippeddisc if you slept in one.

For suits like these, women of a certain age are paying upwardsof $100. Gladly. But whoa! Now Sports Illustrated swimsuit issuecover girl Christie Brinkley, 38, is saying "Enough!"

"This is it! I never want to pose in a swimsuit again!"Brinkley proclaimed last month from a magazine cover, encased in oneof these high-tech suits, a red spandex one-piece with underwires anda zipper. Brinkley, who has a young daughter, explained, "It'sgotten too hard to suck my stomach in."

"Way to go Christie," I thought, even though I only half believeher. Maybe she's sincerely ready to lead her generation around thisturning point. But somehow I just can't see her walking the beachwearing gym shorts over her bathing suit, as my girlfriends insist ondoing no matter how dorky it looks.

Counterbalancing Ms. Brinkley's purported good sense comestroubling news from Cole of California, the swimsuit manufacturinggiant.

Last week, Cole announced a technology breakthrough it calls"Top Secret" - an inflatable bikini top which operates like pumpsneakers.

"Need a little more uplift? Pffft. Does your cup runneth over?Pssst. Let some air out," explained a fashion wire story.

Two things occurred to me. First, has Top Secret been approvedas a flotation device? And second, why is this $72 suit part ofCole's junior line? What do teenagers need with high-tech swimwear?They wouldn't know a cellulite dimple if they fell into one!

But of course, it's very simple. The manufacturers are merelypriming the pump. They can't allow this "I'm OK, you're OK"feel-good-about-yourself bathing suit movement to get out of hand.Heck - people would hit the beach in any old thing! They'd sag andjiggle and not give a hoot. They wouldn't need to buy expensivebathing suits!

So they've hit on a new way to revive and perpetuate theartificial standard of perfection in the up-and-coming generation ofbeach beauties.

Surf's up, girls! Pffft.

Leslie Baldacci is on interim assignment as a member of theSun-Times editorial board.